All Growed Up: I'm Moving out!

Dear Friends:

My world just got that much bigger. 

As of May 23, 2012 yours truly became a first time, fully fledged, bonafide apartment renter! 

Granted, my electricity does not come on until this Wednesday but nevertheless I did it. 

I finally have my own place!

As I prepare to close out my little blog here I'm realizing its purpose more and more. This current phase of my life is the perfect close for my wonderfully imperfect little blog.

My transition to the next stage of my life

began over a week ago...

And I indirectly thank my mother for being the impetus and motivation. 

As you all know my mother has Alzheimer's disease. 

The ailment is insidious. It robs an individual of the very essence of who they are (were)...their memories. As the days go by my mother is getting worse and worse, so much so that living with her became a nightmarish ordeal.

Last week--seemingly out of the blue--she started getting crazier (for lack of a better term). Every single day I woke and every single night I lie down she was after me, violently after me. Whether she was using four letter words that I never knew were in her vocabulary or vain attempts to hit me with anything from: curtain rods, vases, tables, and anything that was handy (It got to the point I had to wrestle her to the floor once) the situation got bad. My mother was threatening to kill me in my sleep and calling the police on me...And five minutes later forgetting that anything had ever happened. Sometimes she got to be so violent and abusive that she would keep me up in the night on work days.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when she called the cops on me and I had to explain that my mother is an Alzheimer's patient.

That day I told my oldest brother and relatives about the situation and I packed up my stuff and left. 

Last Sunday was the end of the proverbial road for us.

For most of the past week I've been staying in a cute little motel room. It was the best thing, in seven years, that I've ever done for myself. For once I had solace and solitude. In that little room I watched no TV and played no music. I just felt like embracing the silence. The silence wasn't golden...It was multi-platinum. 

When I went to the room on Saturday I vowed to find myself a place by Weds. 

I did it by Tuesday.

I found a BEAUTIFUL apartment complex that had been newly renovated and within my price range. I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that it was meant for me. Without going into too much detail the universe had bequeathed that apartment to me as a gift.

So, I filled out the application and made the deposit and I'll be official this Saturday (an incentive the complex gives is a free flatscreen television).

As for my mother she is now the responsibility of my oldest brother. I issued an ultimatum. Either he watches out for her (like he never has) or I put her into a nursing home.

I realize that, at my age, I deserve my freedom and can no longer be burdened by the insanity of an Alzheimer's patient...even if that patient is my mother.

Thankfully, my Mother is on board with going into a home. Now that she knows that our life together (in the same house that is) is over the harsh reality has set in that she can't take care of herself anymore.

Overall, it was bitter sweet happenstance...but it is more sweet than bitter.

This series of unfortunate events gave me the motivation to just get out there and do it. 

I finally have my complete and total freedom.

I can finally walk through my door and have no one else there but me and my thoughts.

I can finally just chill on a sunny day and have the music of Curtis Mayfield marinating the air. 

I finally get to just do me.

Most importantly I finally get to feel safe...A feeling I haven't felt in quite sometime.

I finally get to TRULY go home. 

Yeah, it is horrible what is happening to my mother. But I've cried so many tears that I'm now numb to the pain of Alzheimer's. 

The reason I stayed so long was for her. Back then I thought that maybe if I loved her enough, and took enough care of her, the Alzheimer's would go away. Moreover, to some extent, I blamed myself for her ultimate break with reality. "Maybe had I not come out she would not have wound up like this?" I often thought. 

Well, I don't feel that way anymore.

This was just something that happened. 

My mother died along time ago...The rest of this is just a formality, one that I am not going to contend with by myself any longer.

Thankfully, there are caring professionals that will stand in the gap.

Now, I have to take care of me. And I am doing a good job so far.

With Love...

Sincerely,

Prince Toddy English.